A bunch of words and a lot more thoughts!

1. Has anyone seen or heard from my friend, Kari Colson? She moved to NC in the summer, and we were in contact until mid-September. The next time that I called her, her phone wasn't receiving calls, and then her number was changed. I have emailed everyone I know who knows her... have tried to contact her family members, etc. but no luck. I am just putting this out there, so in case someone knows a way to get in touch with her, they can let me know.

2. I have debating on whether or not to write about my struggles with conceiving a baby because of the fact that I have had many people tell me that it is a private issue that shouldn't be spread about. I have to say though, that I really feel like I need to share my story, because then you, the readers, can pray for Slim and me, and maybe I can be an encouragement to you as well... so here goes.

Slim and I have been married since September '07.
Because I knew that I had some previous issues, we decided that we were going to try to have children right away. After about 6 months of trying, I saw my gynecologist and he put me on a medicine to regulate my cycles. Well it didn't work the first time (which he had never seen) so he had me take the medicine for another round. It didn't work that time either. He had me come into the office and let me know that he had no answers for me as to why it didn't start a cycle for me. He told me that he couldn't help me any further but recommended that I see a fertility specialist.

In the summer of '08, Slim and I had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. I was excited to find out what they had in store for us. Sadly the time there was cut short when we found out how expensive it would be to have Slim go through the process along side of me. We prayed about it, and decided that we would keep trying on our own because we know that it is totally in God's hands and He can and does work miracles. We tried on our own for the next 6 months, and then I had another gynecologist appointment. At this appointment, my doctor told me that he would let me try a few months of Clomid(a drug to help induce and strengthen ovulation). I am on month 3 of Clomid now and still no babies.

Here are some things that I have learned over the past 20 or so months.

A. People say weird things because they don't know what else to say:
During this time I have had many people say things like
"It will happen when you stop thinking about it." Let me just say that stopping thinking about it is impossible. If you have ever dealt with fertility, you know that not thinking about it doesn't ever happen. You think about it constantly. You think that you are broken. You ache for babies. You feel like everyone besides you is pregnant, etc.
"I found out I was pregnant and I am so mad." I have actually had someone, who knows me well, and has known that I have been trying to get pregnant say this to me. I am sure that she meant no harm, but I still wanted to scream at her. I am not mad at people when they are blessed by being pregnant (I have heard other ladies say that anytime someone else gets pregnant they get jealous and mad) I don't get that way, but if you tell me that you are upset you are pregnant, then I might get mad.
"It will happen when God wants it to." DUH, I am not stupid, but that doesn't mean that patience is easy.
"Can I speak frankly to you? You are pregnant!" I had to go to the emergency room at the end of March because I was having terrible abdominal pain and for some reason the doctor thought that it would appropriate to 'make the joke' that I was pregnant. It was pretty much the worst ever!

B. Just because you cannot get pregnant, doesn't mean that you should adopt.
I truly believe that you need to have a heart for adoption, as the process is rewarding, but is also very difficult. I have heard people say, and have read on people's blogs that if you cannot have kids then you should just adopt. Slim and I totally want to adopt and we know that no matter what, we will begin that process at the beginning of next year. We have decided together that we are going to spend the rest of this year trying, with the Clomid for a few more months (they don't recommend you taking it for more than 6 cycles) and then on our own through December. I am not the type of person that feels like if I never have a baby out of my own womb that I won't be able to be complete, but that doesn't stop me from hoping and praying!

C. Another thing that I have learned is that unless you have experienced it yourself, you cannot understand the pain of month after month realizing you are not pregnant again. There are always going to be people who get pregnant the month they stop preventing, and I don't hold that against them. It is such a blessing that they didn't have to deal with the difficulties of not being able to conceive. My realization is if you haven't had to deal with it, please don't say "I understand."

All of this to say, deal with me if I get moody, let me vent if I need to vent, share your story with me, hope with me, and most of all pray for Slim and me!